you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
