I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
