Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
