Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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