Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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