My sheets look like a crime scene.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
