How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I need help removing her.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
