Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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