I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Randomize
