I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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