I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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