I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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