If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
