have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
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Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Houston, we have a blender
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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