No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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