Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
