Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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