I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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