it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
