What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
