I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
