I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
