Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
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You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
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It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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