In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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