so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
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There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
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Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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