I accidentally had phone sex last night
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
