So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Fuck me I smell like cheese
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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