My sheets look like a crime scene.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize