fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
