How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
