A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
