He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
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She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
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Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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