Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I can text with my tongue
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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