Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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