This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
