drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
