We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
