I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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