Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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