i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
