Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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