Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
