The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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