I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
