I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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