Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
