Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
