I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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