When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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