I skipped work to stalk him.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
