Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
