Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
