3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize