My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
