im six kinds of drunk right now
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
